i’ve keep a journal since 1988.
that means i started it when daniel was 2 and 1/2.
it means i continued journaling when david was born.
it means i’ve journaled through their childhood years.
and beyond. meaning now.
my journals include a little bit of everything.
my thoughts, my prayers.
sometimes a journal entry is long and full of thought.
sometimes an entry is merely a little blurb.
my entries always come from my honest heart.
my past journals are tucked away in a secret place.
someday i probably should tell ed where they are.
at this point i don’t care if he reads them.
he has lived through all the experiences with me.
and then some.
he won’t learn anything new by reading them.
i do like to dig out old journals every now and then.
i like to read where i use to be.
i like to read how i’ve grown and changed.
i like to read how prayers written have been answered.
i like to read about all the countless memories of my boys.
i like to read about my time as a young mom.
those young mom entries are the best entries.
i like to read how things that were confusing and hard to figure out then, are now settled and aren’t issues. and i like to read how those things didn’t last forever.
i took this picture of daniel and david a couple weeks before david went to college last august. it happened to also be the same weekend that ed and i were keeping the exciting secret that daniel was in the process of buying an engagement ring. i love this handsome picture of the 2 of them and i’m so very proud of both of them.
i had actually forgotten all about the picture.
i ran across it as i was organizing my pictures last week.
it was on the day i had already journaled a big entry.
an entry with alot of private thoughts.
i won’t share my full entry.
the full entry is just for me.
(or ed if i decide to share with him the secret place):)
i will share this little snippet of the entry.
i attached the picture to the page in my journal.
“2009 is the year i replace all i’ve ever known about being a mother with new ways of mothering. i don’t think i’m earning any stars on my report card yet.
the last 22 years of mothering have been a breeze for me. the second i found out i was pregnant with daniel, and 3 years later with david, something was just “there” for me. for some reason i “just knew” all the things to do. lord knows i wasn’t perfect (that’s an understatement!!!) but “how to be a mother” came natural to me and i didn’t need a whole lot of instruction or practice.
i just knew. i knew HOW to be a mom starting on july 28, 1986.
but this new, 2009 way of mothering? it’s hard. it’s not bad in any way. it’s not troublesome or negative in anyway. it’s simply a new way. new isn’t a bad thing. but when you’ve been doing something one way for 22 years, new means you just aren’t quite sure HOW to do the new way yet.
for the first time in 22 years i wake up and I DON’T KNOW how to mother. i feel lost. i don’t know about anybody else, but being lost is scary to me.
it is new and foreign. all i DO know is that i love these 2 boys with the same love that i had when i actually knew how to mother them. i love them with that much love PLUS the past 22 and 19 years of experience and memories attached to them.
i remember jane telling me a couple years ago that motherhood changes at this stage especially with mothers and sons…….and she said it’ll be okay……i know i can trust her because i know how close she and ed still are…….i hope to heck i figure it out soon.”
(just keeping it real today :)) carrie